Stephen Colbert for President 2008!

Ladies and Gentlemen;

My name is Alex and I will be your blogger for the next seventeen months. We know you have your choice in shameless Colbert idolatry, and we appreciate your decision to worship with us.

As the election draws irrevocably, inevitably and incrementally nearer, our thoughts of course turn to Stephen Colbert’s chances of becoming President. Everybody wants to know what they can do to help, but most people are bored with the tired old cliches like campaign signs or commercials. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? That’s right … the horrible and probably painful manipulation of Stephen Colbert’s Genetic Code!
“Okay, Alex, put down the crazy pills,” you might say (and I won’t), “surely Colbert could win the Presidency based on his charm, wit, intellect and disarming dress sense!” Sure, he may be the blindingly obvious choice of the people, of both the common, the uncommon and the trans-common man, but Al Gore received the majority of the public’s votes and look what happened to HIM.

Um … he won an Oscar. Okay, bad example, but I digress.

The point is - wouldn’t it give Stephen that much more of an edge in any campaign if he harbored certain mutant, magical, alien and/or superhuman powers? Imagine the possibilities - he could perhaps soar through the skies with Stephen Jr., ensuring the little guy learns to stay the hell away from that Canadian border. Debates would be complete landslides - “My opponent’s stance in favor of Nancy Pelosi’s canonization makes me angry. And you don’t want to see me angry.” Or perhaps he would benefit from telepathic powers - not only could he answer his interview subjects’ questions himself on the show, eliminating the need for them to talk (or be paid as much), but he would instantly know the true intentions of devious foreign dignitaries. Like the Iranians. Or the French. Or Nancy Pelosi.

I think we get the idea, people. Stephen needs a shot of Super in the ass and he needs it quick. I don’t care what you have to do: irradiate a spider and slip it into the studio; accidentally replace one of the show cameras with a miscalibrated gamma-ray generator; “accidentally” misplace an ancient, mysterious Nordic hammer in his glove compartment; hell, graft a hitherto-undiscovered and nigh-indestructible metal to every inch of his skeletal structure for all I care. But in the name of all that is truthy, do something.

For lack of anything better to do, try submitting your creative conceptualizations of just what a superhero Colbert would look like to beezling@gmail.com and we might just consider re-posting the less awful submissions. Here’s something to inspire from our friends at MediaBistro: