Stephen Colbert for President 2008!

All righty Colbertians (colh-BEAR-ee-uhns), Halloween is almost upon us. No doubt this weekend you were already beseiged by ghouls, goblins, and oh-so-clever kids dressed up as democratic lobbyists. As if it wasn’t creepy enough to be without our beloved Report for what was truly a dark, dark week. A week so dark … that it has inspired an evil, darkling Hallowe’en poem! A poem so evil, so terrifying that we could not in good conscience omit the apostrophe from between the two e’s, there to indicate the absent ‘v’ from the once-conjunctual ‘evening’, as in “All-Hallow Even”! If you don’t enjoy the poem, at least enjoy the holiday. I myself will be roaming the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda, desperate for a little piece of that liminal action - you know, the limited time when spirits can make contact with the mortal realm?

One Halloween night, my Colbertian posse,

I sat in my room with eyes bloodshot and glossy

On such an occasion I’ve nothing to fear

For I live Halloween every day of the year

Each day I see folk in the strangest of clothes

Assaulting the eyes and assaulting the nose

Burners and burnouts, hipster and hippie

I guess I ought not to be getting lippy

For freakiness is always the status quo

When you live in a city like San Francisco

But on this particular October’s day

I simply had no idea what I could say

For I had seen something so awful and grim

That chances of my forgetting it were slim

A lone trick-or-treater appeared at my door

With a countenance I have seen often before

It haunts me in sleep, tormenting me when awake,

The meanest thing my ‘magination could make

So what was this costume, all frightening and grossy?

None other than our Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“The horror … the horror.”

-Marlin Brando, Apocalypse Now

Any ideas on where the poem should go from here?
I CHALLENGE YOU, NATION, TO BUST A RHYME LIKE IT’S QUITTIN’ TIME

 

The time is now, Nation. Everything is in place. Stephen Colbert has announced his nomination. His image and name already grace countless signs, billboards and bumper-stickers (inaccurate though some have now become). His delicious ice cream, AmeriCone Dream, allows us not just to hear and watch but even taste the truthiness.

Stephen Colbert for President: Taste the Truthiness!

Stephen Colbert is donating his proceeds from the sale of AMERICONE DREAM to charity through The Stephen Colbert AmeriCone Dream Fund. The Fund will support charities of concern to Stephen such as food and medical assistance for disadvantaged children, helping veterans and their familes, and environmental causes. Said Colbert, “I will save the world.”

Long story short, the pawns are assembled. The Nation is ready. The world is in need. And it’s time to use that readiness.

We have several goals:

1) Pick a running mate. Suggestions, anyone?

2) Organize local grassroots support. Volunteers, anyone?

3) Work together to form the sturdiest, most ostentatious and impressive show of online support any candidate or political process in this nation or world has ever SEEN!

Colbert is running as a “favorite son” candidate. Ignoring the sexism inherent in the term, the definition includes the following:

In U.S. politics, nominating favorite sons was also used as a technique to send uncommitted delegations to a national convention of the Democratic or Republican Party. A popular or well-known governor or senator would be nominated, but was not a serious candidate. At some point during the convention, the favorite son would withdraw, freeing his delegates to support another candidate. The technique allowed senior leaders from the state to negotiate with candidates for preferential treatment.

Nation, we cannot allow such tomfoolery to occur. Just because some persnickety tradition states that favorite … child candidates give up his or her delegates. And who’s to say those delegates even have to go? I say South Carolinians should stick to Colbert like white on rice, no matter what he says. It’s the American thing to do. After all, our government is already based on truthiness - why not make it official?

Hey folks,

Stephen Colbert needs ACTUAL signatures of ACTUAL registered South Carolina Voters in order to get on the Democratic Presidential Primary Ballot in South Carolina.

So he uploaded a pdf of the 2008 South Carolina Presidential Primary Petition to his site. If you’re in South Carolina and want to help Stephen get on the ballot, then simply download and print this form, then have 20 Registered South Carolina Voters Sign it, then mail it to:

P.O. Box 21597
Charleston, SC 29413-1597

Get to it, Colbertites!

Well folks. It happened. Stephen Colbert finally took the plunge. Last night he announced that he is running for President of the United States of America both as a Democrat and a Republican in his home state of South Carolina.

We did it!!!!!!!!!!!

All of our petitioning and polling paid off. Now get out there and vote for Stephen Colbert!