Stephen Colbert for President 2008!

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Here are some excerpts from the glorious past - the salad days, as it were. When Colbert was on “Meet The Press” with Tim Russert. It’s a long video but well worth the watch. Brilliance. The platinum standard of journalism and corres-punditry. Plus, Russert’s good too. 

You’ve thought this through. 

That’s a generous estimation, thank you.

Here’s one headline: “Electile Disfunction”; are they questioning, shall we say,  your stamina? 

I think a lot of people are asking, “Is this real?” To which I would say, this is not a dream. You’re not going to wake up from this. I’m far realer than Sam Brownback, let me put it that way.

 

Authenticity is important to the voter.

 

Absolutely. You’ve got to convey to them that you mean what you say and you’ve put some thought into what you do.

Many people in your family, and you used to be, COL-burt. You are now col-BEHR. I would be rus-SEHR. 

Ruh-SEHR, yeah.

In Sesame Street, there are two characters – Ernie and …? [pulls out a Bert doll]

Bert. Ernie and Bert.

B-E-R-T. 

Yeah.

So why aren’t you col-BURT? 

Are you saying that I don’t have the right to drop the T in my name? Are you saying that? Last time I checked this was America! Or does that not mean anything to you anymore?

 Then why not call him Behr? 

That’s his choice. You’ll have to ask him. I dare you. Ask him. Right now.

But why did you change your name? 

I changed my name because I knew there were people out there who needed T’s.

Not comfortable in your own skin? 

Oh, I’m extremely comfortable in my own skin. I’m uncomfortable in other people’s skin.

Why are you running only in South Carolina?

Because I believe that it’s the greatest state in the union. I believe I can make a difference there. I believe it’s time to focus on South Carolina. Florida tried to jump South Carolina’s primary date for both the Republicans and the Democrats. I want them to focus back on South Carolina; I want it to be a permanent thing. I don’t want Iowa and New Hampshire to be the only people in the United States to be able to control who is a bell-weather state. And if Iowa and New Hampshire don’t like that they can take some of that Iowa corn and stick it right up their Dicksville Notch.

Are you a son of South Carolina?

I am.

You know a lot about the state? 

I do.

What’s the state amphibian? 

My dog Cookie. She swims and she goes on land.

It’s the spotted salamander. 

That’s easy. What’s the state flower, sir?

Go ahead. 

The confederate jasmine, also known as the yellow jasmine.

Well done. What’s the state motto? 

Dum spiro spero – while I breathe I hope. COME ON! I thought you had better researchers. You can’t nail me with better things than this?

(followed by a lengthy discussion of Stephen Colbert’s book, I Am America (and So Can You!)) 

More highlights:

If gay men get married, it threatens my marriage immediately because I only got married as a taunt towards gay men because they couldn’t. I don’t know why else I got married other than to rub it in gay people’s faces.

 

• Why else run as a favorite son if you’re not going to broker a convention? And if I get a delegate, it will be a brokered convention. Unless they offer to let me speak there, in which case I will turn over my delegate.

• I think talking about ending the war in Iraq, or any war, sends the wrong message to our enemies. I will say this – I have a plan to get us out of Iran.

• Al Gore’s movie made money, therefore the market has spoken – Global Warming is real. I just don’t think we should do anything about it.

• The cornerstone of my campaign is pretty much peaches. South Carolina peaches. South Carolina first, South Carolina always.

PSA from ColbertNation.com regarding apparent threats against members of the South Carolina Democratic Party.

Come on, people. It’s not like they’re abortion doctors or anything.

A MESSAGE FROM THE COLBERT REPORT STUDIO

November 5th, 2007

To: Gary Spitz
From: [redacted]
Subj: Colbert ‘08
Date: Nov 5 2007 16:35:35 EST

Mr. Spitz,

We have received word that there are users in the Colboard.com messageboards and Colbertnation.com comments bins advocating violence against members of the South Carolina Democratic Executive Council, who last week voted to reject Stephen’s application to be on the primary ballot.

We ask that these threats cease immediately. Additionally, we ask that you alert the rest of the Colbert Nation to this important request.

Thank you for your prompt action.

[redacted]

On Telegraph.co.uk, the newspaper’s US editor Toby Harnden has posted a terrific entry discussing Mark Twain as a presidential candidate. Y’all ought to check it out, ’specially as he had the decency to link to our fine blog. Harnden writes:

Have written a piece for the paper about Mark Twain, Mark Twain lookalikes and the 2008 election. Twain impersonator Jim Wadell was kind enough to give me a copy of Twain’s manifesto for president, entitled “Mark Twain as a Candidate” and published in the “Frankford Chronicle on January 1st 1879.

Twain was essentially doing what Stephen Colbert tried this month before falling foul of Democrats in South Carolina – mounting a presidential bid in character as a ludicrous political figure as a way of highlighting the emptiness of much that goes on in US politics. Patt Morrison of the LA Times makes the comparison in a very good oped about “joke” candidacies here.

World-wide, baby. Already the Colbert Nation is spreading its message across the Atlantic. In the comments to that blog, I was challenged to put forth Colbert’s Manifesto. Here is my humble effort.

MANIFESTO COLBERTO

Stephen Colbert’s manifesto, though I cannot claim to speak it with any authority or permission, is thus:
America is no longer just a Nation Indivisible - It is a Nation Undeniable. Why can it not be denied? Because only the truth can be denied; but America no longer deals in such trivialities as the truth. We have become a Nation of Truthiness. We have become a Nation that transcends reality in favor of Wikiality. We are a Nation of triumphant eagles, soaring high above the brutish bears stuck to the terra firma of outdated ideals. We are no longer just A Nation. We are THE Nation. The Colbert Nation. United We Stand. Tread On Us Do Not. The Buck Stopped Here Already.

For clarification, I recommend conducting research at www.stephencolbert08.com

I NEED YOU, NATION, TO CONSTRUCTIVELY CRITICIZE THIS MANIFESTO.

Now tell us what you think. The winning suggestion, as decided by a panel of four webmasterful judges, wins a hand-inked scroll with the manifesto done in the calligraphic style of your choice. No fibbin’!

I had this sent on to me by a politico friend of mine:

MSNBC’s Chuck Todd reported on current polling trends he’s seeing in surveys prepared for NBC/Wall Street Journal. Here are some excerpts: “General distrust of government is not a new phenomenon; it has been the fuel for electoral upheaval for decades. But it’s important to note that there may be evidence of a much angrier and anxious electorate than either party is preparing for in 2008. At our most recent briefing, one of the NBC/Wall Street Journal pollsters said ‘this is the most angry and unstable of an electorate as I’ve seen in my career.’ And that’s from Republican pollster Bill McInturff, who was around for 1992 and 1994, the last two times an angry electorate wreaked havoc in an election year. Remember it was 1992 when the strongest independent candidate in two generations — Ross Perot — got 19% of the vote, even after he proved less-than-stable on the question of readiness to be president. And 1994 was the year Democrats lost control of Congress for the first time in 50 years. Neither was an insignificant feat. So if the 2008 electorate is shaping up as more volatile than either of those two years, we may be in for a wild ride of historical proportions.”

What does this mean for us, Colbert Nation?

Well, it means that we can sure as hell continue to shake things up.  Rattle the cages.  Stomp our feet and pump our fists.  Flock to the streets and picket.  Continue to demand a change that works, not a change for the sake of changing.  Be the voter your mother warned you about.

Howdy. Mean Rachel here, reminding you that women are voters too (at least, when we’re not popping out babies and gold digging). I may be from Texas and I may be a woman but let me ask you this: How angry would you be if every vote you’d ever cast in your five year voting history held roughly the same weight as driving through McDonald’s and ordering a McRib (pun not intended but it did turn out quite nicely).

The rest of the union may be on strike, but I’m not and I see this as a key moment in history to take down David Letterman’s nightly Top Ten list. So here we go, without further adieuness:

The Top Ten Reasons South Carolina Doesn’t Deserve to Even Have the Same Initials as Stephen Colbert

10. There’s a North Carolina. Isn’t one Carolina enough?

9. It was the first state to secede from the Union and form the Confederacy. What a fuck-up that was.

8. SC (the State, not our Demigod) has a climate that is described as “humid subtropical.” Humid. Subtropical. In other words, your hair will never look good, John.

7. Speaking of which, we’ll add “Expensive haircuts” to the list. Four hundred dollars? It sure as hell better come with a happy ending or three scoops of Americone Dream.

6. South Carolina has no major professional team in the MLB, NBA, NFL or NHL. Now, I may be a chick but getting smashed and staring at athletic men is what we do here in Texas and I can’t imagine life without that.

5. South Cackalacky was home of the first public museum. That pretty much has ruined every school field trip and vacation I’ve ever been on, thanks.

4. Up until 2006, they required mixed bevvies to be made with minibottles instead of bartenders pouring from a handle of liquor. Apparently an average minibottle has 30% more volume than an average free-pour, so this resulted in a lot of drunk people. Wait, maybe this shouldn’t be on the list after all.

3. Andy Dick is from South Carolina. ‘Nuff said.

2. The South Carolina Democratic Party is a bunch of stick-in-the-mud drones.

And the number one reason South Carolina Doesn’t Deserve to Even Have the Same Initials as Stephen Colbert is…

::DRUMROLL::

1. I personally believe that US Americans aren’t ready for the, like, truthiness. Such as the Iraq. Truthineess. South Africans.

 

This morning I’ve decided to sort through a brief selection of random comments, just to let you know what sort of wonderful, creative and sometimes impotently furious commenters the site has managed to attract.

7 Responses to “The Truthiness Is Out There…”

1. Reggie p Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 7:41 am eSomeone publish names and phone numbers of sc committee. We must protest!
2. Reggie p Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 8:59 am eI called the committee (800 841-1817) (info@scdp.org)and they listened to me but they sort of blew me off. They better start taking Stephen seriously. Everyone should call and email to protest South Carolina’s discrimination against Stephen just because he happens to tell jokes. Every other politician tells a joke once in a while!
3. josh Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 9:55 am eDisagree with the SC Dems? Let them know what you think:

   http://www.colbertforsouthcarolina.com/

4. Peter I Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 9:36 pm eMy top 10 reasons for Stephen Colbert as President of South Carolina:

   10.) Really, do we need to have any reasons to vote for this guy?

   9.) The next time a comedian goes on TV and gets the guys from Crossfire fired it could be the Prez himself.

   8.) Nacho Cheese Doritos

   7.) Second best interviewer after John Stewart. Maybe this way the leader of the free world can actually hold a conversation with the rest of the leaders of the free world. Instead of just trying to look like they are having a good time together.

   6.) 1.200.000 Friends on Facebook

   5.) “I, Stephen Colbert, do hereby pledge to practice absinth-tinence by remaining absinth-tinent from Absinthe . . . Since Absinthe incidents in many instances induce incipient synesthetic inspiration and sinister synthetic insistence on sin, I sincerely insist I will be absent from instances of Absinthe ingestion, this instant”.
   If you can say this really fast, you can run this country better then most current runners-for-the-presidency.

   4.) ~4200 new voter registrations since putting a link up on Facebook, thats 1 voter a minute. Maybe soon 53 percent in the great state of South Carolina go vote.

   3.) The other guys didn’t think that he was who they thought he was. They let him off the hook!

   2.) Vice President: John Stewart

   1.) He is funnier then W, and he does it on purposery.

   Thanks for the info on how to get in touch with the Dems of SC, I just wrote them an email to let them know why Colbert would make a better Prez then the last one!

5. Stephen Colbert for President 2008! Clinton Plays Dirty; Is Obama Anti-Colbert? Says:
   November 8th, 2007 at 4:30 am e[…] All I know is I’m going to continue to go through a carton of Americone Dream a day until the truthiness is revealed and this crisis is over. By which I mean, I hope I wake up soon. […]
6. DAVID J ANDREONI Says:
   November 8th, 2007 at 9:55 am eMR. COLBERTR YOU SIR:ARE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE ON TV. I CERTAINLY DO NOT TUNE YOU IN ON COMEDY CENTRAL. BY ACCIDENT I I SAW YOU ON MEET THE PRESS.AND ON THE FACTOR. YOU’RE NOT FUNNY, IN FACT WE FIND YOU OBNOXIOUS, AND POMPAS. YOU ARE A JOKE AND I AM NOT LAFFING. BE WELL, KEEP B SING THE PUBLIC.
7. Beezling Says:
   November 8th, 2007 at 10:05 am eMr. Andreoni;

   I’m not sure who this “Mr. Colbertr” is with whom you seem to have much beef. I would say you are in fact heavy with beef. And “We” find you obnoxious? Is that the royal we, or are you claiming to represent some form of a constituency? Those with beef say No to Colbert, apparently. And those without dictionaries or keyboards without sticky Caps Lock buttons. Personally, nation, I think we need a new term to describe the failure of an insultor to convey an insult to an insultee (in this case me) due to inherent flaws in grammar and spelling. Today’s word is “MISMEANING” It’s like a misspelling, except it goes so far as to cloud what you mean and generally start the fubar train rolling towards the what-the-hell-happened depot.
   If Stephen Colbert is POMPAS, it simply demonstrates his exceptional talents. I mean, I’ve never even heard the word pompas, let alone know that someone could BE it.
   Mr. Andreoni, I am not laffing either. In fact, no one is laffing or has ever laffed. I think only the pompas can laff. Such things are beyond us mere mortals.
   Finally, I don’t know what it means to B Sing the public. But I’m sure Stephen Colbert can and will do it. And he’ll do it with aplomb; he’ll do it with panache; he’ll do it with god-damn PRESIDENTIALITY!

   With great respect and humble gratitude to all posters, as intelligent minds can disagree,
   Alex Brant-Zawadzki
   StephenColbert08.com

There has been muy muy speculation recently that South Carolina Democrats’ decision to keep Colbert off the Democratic ballot was somewhat influenced by the demands of certain high-profile Barack Obama supporters. The LA Times lays the story out with a bit more context than one is used to reading in campaign coverage, causing us to overlook the paper’s status as a liberal fishwrap from a should-be-annexed state of total disregard for the American way. Anyway:

Well, during the last day or so behind the scenes, the Clinton folks, who play hardball, have been shopping around to some writers (not this one) a story idea that a couple of prominent Obama supporters had lobbied the South Carolina Democratic Party’s executive council last week to keep Stephen Colbert off the state’s primary ballot, which they succeeded in doing.

When you think about it, that’s probably a good idea. Colbert, a funny fellow who plays a political talk show host on his Comedy Central show, got Doritos to sponsor his candidacy and claimed to be showing the fundamental hypocrisy of the political system by trying to run in both parties’ primaries.

He’s good for a laugh, and normally serious Tim Russert even had him on the normally respectable “Meet the Press,” for a faux serious candidate interview. The “truthiness,” as usual these days, is that Colbert’s “campaign” provided priceless free publicity for his TV program and new book.

And here we are, Nation, with no one to blame but the political process itself. Did Obama’s people actually push to keep Stephen off the ballot? Did Hillary’s people spin harmless political canvassing into a desperate plot to destabilize Obama’s support among one of his target demographics: The Colbert Nation (provided Stephen is not on the ballot and orders us not to include him as a write-in for staggeringly noble purposes)? Is it wrong to insert elaborate parentheticals into absurd hypotheticals in any context? These are questions for the ages, my friends. By which I mean I have no earthly idea.

All I know is I’m going to continue to go through a carton of Americone Dream a day until the truthiness is revealed and this crisis is over. By which I mean, I hope I wake up soon.

Colbert speaks to his Nation:

“Although I lost by the slimmest margin in presidential election history—only 10 votes—I have chosen not to put the country through another agonizing Supreme Court battle,” Colbert said Monday in a statement. “It is time for this nation to heal.”

Colbert had said he would run only in his native South Carolina, a key primary state. He said he planned to run as a Democrat and a Republican—so he could lose twice. Colbert, 43, later declined to file with the GOP, which has a much higher filing fee ($35,000) than the Democrats ($2,500).

“I want to say to my supporters, this is not over,” Colbert said. “While I may accept the decision of the Council, the fight goes on! The dream endures! … And I am going off the air until I can talk about this without weeping.”

Anyone else notice a creepy coincidence between Colbert’s loss of both his presidential campaign AND his platform? This writers’ strike seems eerily well-timed. We should see whether those South Carolina Democrats had anything to do with it.

We are currently soliciting any sightings of President Colbert in window frost, cheese mold or tear-stained Colbert ‘08 T-shirts.

From Brian and the Judge

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Nation, I have finally solved the riddle of how a benevolent and white God could possibly allow the candidacy of Stephen Colbert, would-be favorite son of South Carolina (and potentially favored god-child of, naturally, God), to be so viciously pre-empted by things as simple as $35,000 and the contempt of Democrats.

The answer, so blindingly simple I can’t believe it’s escaped me for so long, is this: Stephen Colbert’s candidacy has NOT ended. No, in fact, it continues. You, however, are either having a nightmare or in a coma having a nightmare, or possibly having a nightmare about being in a coma and having a nightmare in which your life continues on as normal since you went to sleep/became comatized sometime last week. Your mind is now constructing a hellish dystopic future that would make H.R. Giger blush. Stephen Colbert’s apparent lack of a candidacy is merely the first fanciful step of the imagination down a path that will eventually take us somewhere between Mad Max and Bladerunner, maybe with some Postman thrown into the grinder.

By which I mean, if you own a tape or DVD of Kevin Costner’s The Postman … throw it into a grinder. Any will do. Coffee grinder, herb grinder … I believe a garbage disposal qualifies as a grinding device. Use a garbage growler just to be safe. Growler sounds way more like grinder than ‘disposal’ does anyway.