Stephen Colbert for President 2008!

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Here are some excerpts from the glorious past - the salad days, as it were. When Colbert was on “Meet The Press” with Tim Russert. It’s a long video but well worth the watch. Brilliance. The platinum standard of journalism and corres-punditry. Plus, Russert’s good too. 

You’ve thought this through. 

That’s a generous estimation, thank you.

Here’s one headline: “Electile Disfunction”; are they questioning, shall we say,  your stamina? 

I think a lot of people are asking, “Is this real?” To which I would say, this is not a dream. You’re not going to wake up from this. I’m far realer than Sam Brownback, let me put it that way.

 

Authenticity is important to the voter.

 

Absolutely. You’ve got to convey to them that you mean what you say and you’ve put some thought into what you do.

Many people in your family, and you used to be, COL-burt. You are now col-BEHR. I would be rus-SEHR. 

Ruh-SEHR, yeah.

In Sesame Street, there are two characters – Ernie and …? [pulls out a Bert doll]

Bert. Ernie and Bert.

B-E-R-T. 

Yeah.

So why aren’t you col-BURT? 

Are you saying that I don’t have the right to drop the T in my name? Are you saying that? Last time I checked this was America! Or does that not mean anything to you anymore?

 Then why not call him Behr? 

That’s his choice. You’ll have to ask him. I dare you. Ask him. Right now.

But why did you change your name? 

I changed my name because I knew there were people out there who needed T’s.

Not comfortable in your own skin? 

Oh, I’m extremely comfortable in my own skin. I’m uncomfortable in other people’s skin.

Why are you running only in South Carolina?

Because I believe that it’s the greatest state in the union. I believe I can make a difference there. I believe it’s time to focus on South Carolina. Florida tried to jump South Carolina’s primary date for both the Republicans and the Democrats. I want them to focus back on South Carolina; I want it to be a permanent thing. I don’t want Iowa and New Hampshire to be the only people in the United States to be able to control who is a bell-weather state. And if Iowa and New Hampshire don’t like that they can take some of that Iowa corn and stick it right up their Dicksville Notch.

Are you a son of South Carolina?

I am.

You know a lot about the state? 

I do.

What’s the state amphibian? 

My dog Cookie. She swims and she goes on land.

It’s the spotted salamander. 

That’s easy. What’s the state flower, sir?

Go ahead. 

The confederate jasmine, also known as the yellow jasmine.

Well done. What’s the state motto? 

Dum spiro spero – while I breathe I hope. COME ON! I thought you had better researchers. You can’t nail me with better things than this?

(followed by a lengthy discussion of Stephen Colbert’s book, I Am America (and So Can You!)) 

More highlights:

If gay men get married, it threatens my marriage immediately because I only got married as a taunt towards gay men because they couldn’t. I don’t know why else I got married other than to rub it in gay people’s faces.

 

• Why else run as a favorite son if you’re not going to broker a convention? And if I get a delegate, it will be a brokered convention. Unless they offer to let me speak there, in which case I will turn over my delegate.

• I think talking about ending the war in Iraq, or any war, sends the wrong message to our enemies. I will say this – I have a plan to get us out of Iran.

• Al Gore’s movie made money, therefore the market has spoken – Global Warming is real. I just don’t think we should do anything about it.

• The cornerstone of my campaign is pretty much peaches. South Carolina peaches. South Carolina first, South Carolina always.