Stephen Colbert for President 2008!

No, unfortunately we’re not any closer to the presidency at the moment.

But, on January 7th, we will start seeing new episodes of The Colbert Report as well as The Daily Show beforehand!

And yesterday, Stephen was awarded the Associated Press’ Celebrity of the Year honor for 2007. This is awarded to the celebrity who is supposed to have had the biggest impact on popular culture during that year.

Congrats on the honor, Stephen. And we can’t wait to see you again on January 7th!

There once was a man named Colbert
To run for president he did dare
But the Democrats screwed us,
Like Caesar by Brutus,
So let’s watch him give Bush a scare.
(Cuz this seems as close to the Presidency as Stephen will ever get)

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Here are some excerpts from the glorious past - the salad days, as it were. When Colbert was on “Meet The Press” with Tim Russert. It’s a long video but well worth the watch. Brilliance. The platinum standard of journalism and corres-punditry. Plus, Russert’s good too. 

You’ve thought this through. 

That’s a generous estimation, thank you.

Here’s one headline: “Electile Disfunction”; are they questioning, shall we say,  your stamina? 

I think a lot of people are asking, “Is this real?” To which I would say, this is not a dream. You’re not going to wake up from this. I’m far realer than Sam Brownback, let me put it that way.

 

Authenticity is important to the voter.

 

Absolutely. You’ve got to convey to them that you mean what you say and you’ve put some thought into what you do.

Many people in your family, and you used to be, COL-burt. You are now col-BEHR. I would be rus-SEHR. 

Ruh-SEHR, yeah.

In Sesame Street, there are two characters – Ernie and …? [pulls out a Bert doll]

Bert. Ernie and Bert.

B-E-R-T. 

Yeah.

So why aren’t you col-BURT? 

Are you saying that I don’t have the right to drop the T in my name? Are you saying that? Last time I checked this was America! Or does that not mean anything to you anymore?

 Then why not call him Behr? 

That’s his choice. You’ll have to ask him. I dare you. Ask him. Right now.

But why did you change your name? 

I changed my name because I knew there were people out there who needed T’s.

Not comfortable in your own skin? 

Oh, I’m extremely comfortable in my own skin. I’m uncomfortable in other people’s skin.

Why are you running only in South Carolina?

Because I believe that it’s the greatest state in the union. I believe I can make a difference there. I believe it’s time to focus on South Carolina. Florida tried to jump South Carolina’s primary date for both the Republicans and the Democrats. I want them to focus back on South Carolina; I want it to be a permanent thing. I don’t want Iowa and New Hampshire to be the only people in the United States to be able to control who is a bell-weather state. And if Iowa and New Hampshire don’t like that they can take some of that Iowa corn and stick it right up their Dicksville Notch.

Are you a son of South Carolina?

I am.

You know a lot about the state? 

I do.

What’s the state amphibian? 

My dog Cookie. She swims and she goes on land.

It’s the spotted salamander. 

That’s easy. What’s the state flower, sir?

Go ahead. 

The confederate jasmine, also known as the yellow jasmine.

Well done. What’s the state motto? 

Dum spiro spero – while I breathe I hope. COME ON! I thought you had better researchers. You can’t nail me with better things than this?

(followed by a lengthy discussion of Stephen Colbert’s book, I Am America (and So Can You!)) 

More highlights:

If gay men get married, it threatens my marriage immediately because I only got married as a taunt towards gay men because they couldn’t. I don’t know why else I got married other than to rub it in gay people’s faces.

 

• Why else run as a favorite son if you’re not going to broker a convention? And if I get a delegate, it will be a brokered convention. Unless they offer to let me speak there, in which case I will turn over my delegate.

• I think talking about ending the war in Iraq, or any war, sends the wrong message to our enemies. I will say this – I have a plan to get us out of Iran.

• Al Gore’s movie made money, therefore the market has spoken – Global Warming is real. I just don’t think we should do anything about it.

• The cornerstone of my campaign is pretty much peaches. South Carolina peaches. South Carolina first, South Carolina always.

On Telegraph.co.uk, the newspaper’s US editor Toby Harnden has posted a terrific entry discussing Mark Twain as a presidential candidate. Y’all ought to check it out, ’specially as he had the decency to link to our fine blog. Harnden writes:

Have written a piece for the paper about Mark Twain, Mark Twain lookalikes and the 2008 election. Twain impersonator Jim Wadell was kind enough to give me a copy of Twain’s manifesto for president, entitled “Mark Twain as a Candidate” and published in the “Frankford Chronicle on January 1st 1879.

Twain was essentially doing what Stephen Colbert tried this month before falling foul of Democrats in South Carolina – mounting a presidential bid in character as a ludicrous political figure as a way of highlighting the emptiness of much that goes on in US politics. Patt Morrison of the LA Times makes the comparison in a very good oped about “joke” candidacies here.

World-wide, baby. Already the Colbert Nation is spreading its message across the Atlantic. In the comments to that blog, I was challenged to put forth Colbert’s Manifesto. Here is my humble effort.

MANIFESTO COLBERTO

Stephen Colbert’s manifesto, though I cannot claim to speak it with any authority or permission, is thus:
America is no longer just a Nation Indivisible - It is a Nation Undeniable. Why can it not be denied? Because only the truth can be denied; but America no longer deals in such trivialities as the truth. We have become a Nation of Truthiness. We have become a Nation that transcends reality in favor of Wikiality. We are a Nation of triumphant eagles, soaring high above the brutish bears stuck to the terra firma of outdated ideals. We are no longer just A Nation. We are THE Nation. The Colbert Nation. United We Stand. Tread On Us Do Not. The Buck Stopped Here Already.

For clarification, I recommend conducting research at www.stephencolbert08.com

I NEED YOU, NATION, TO CONSTRUCTIVELY CRITICIZE THIS MANIFESTO.

Now tell us what you think. The winning suggestion, as decided by a panel of four webmasterful judges, wins a hand-inked scroll with the manifesto done in the calligraphic style of your choice. No fibbin’!

Howdy. Mean Rachel here, reminding you that women are voters too (at least, when we’re not popping out babies and gold digging). I may be from Texas and I may be a woman but let me ask you this: How angry would you be if every vote you’d ever cast in your five year voting history held roughly the same weight as driving through McDonald’s and ordering a McRib (pun not intended but it did turn out quite nicely).

The rest of the union may be on strike, but I’m not and I see this as a key moment in history to take down David Letterman’s nightly Top Ten list. So here we go, without further adieuness:

The Top Ten Reasons South Carolina Doesn’t Deserve to Even Have the Same Initials as Stephen Colbert

10. There’s a North Carolina. Isn’t one Carolina enough?

9. It was the first state to secede from the Union and form the Confederacy. What a fuck-up that was.

8. SC (the State, not our Demigod) has a climate that is described as “humid subtropical.” Humid. Subtropical. In other words, your hair will never look good, John.

7. Speaking of which, we’ll add “Expensive haircuts” to the list. Four hundred dollars? It sure as hell better come with a happy ending or three scoops of Americone Dream.

6. South Carolina has no major professional team in the MLB, NBA, NFL or NHL. Now, I may be a chick but getting smashed and staring at athletic men is what we do here in Texas and I can’t imagine life without that.

5. South Cackalacky was home of the first public museum. That pretty much has ruined every school field trip and vacation I’ve ever been on, thanks.

4. Up until 2006, they required mixed bevvies to be made with minibottles instead of bartenders pouring from a handle of liquor. Apparently an average minibottle has 30% more volume than an average free-pour, so this resulted in a lot of drunk people. Wait, maybe this shouldn’t be on the list after all.

3. Andy Dick is from South Carolina. ‘Nuff said.

2. The South Carolina Democratic Party is a bunch of stick-in-the-mud drones.

And the number one reason South Carolina Doesn’t Deserve to Even Have the Same Initials as Stephen Colbert is…

::DRUMROLL::

1. I personally believe that US Americans aren’t ready for the, like, truthiness. Such as the Iraq. Truthineess. South Africans.

 

This morning I’ve decided to sort through a brief selection of random comments, just to let you know what sort of wonderful, creative and sometimes impotently furious commenters the site has managed to attract.

7 Responses to “The Truthiness Is Out There…”

1. Reggie p Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 7:41 am eSomeone publish names and phone numbers of sc committee. We must protest!
2. Reggie p Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 8:59 am eI called the committee (800 841-1817) (info@scdp.org)and they listened to me but they sort of blew me off. They better start taking Stephen seriously. Everyone should call and email to protest South Carolina’s discrimination against Stephen just because he happens to tell jokes. Every other politician tells a joke once in a while!
3. josh Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 9:55 am eDisagree with the SC Dems? Let them know what you think:

   http://www.colbertforsouthcarolina.com/

4. Peter I Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 9:36 pm eMy top 10 reasons for Stephen Colbert as President of South Carolina:

   10.) Really, do we need to have any reasons to vote for this guy?

   9.) The next time a comedian goes on TV and gets the guys from Crossfire fired it could be the Prez himself.

   8.) Nacho Cheese Doritos

   7.) Second best interviewer after John Stewart. Maybe this way the leader of the free world can actually hold a conversation with the rest of the leaders of the free world. Instead of just trying to look like they are having a good time together.

   6.) 1.200.000 Friends on Facebook

   5.) “I, Stephen Colbert, do hereby pledge to practice absinth-tinence by remaining absinth-tinent from Absinthe . . . Since Absinthe incidents in many instances induce incipient synesthetic inspiration and sinister synthetic insistence on sin, I sincerely insist I will be absent from instances of Absinthe ingestion, this instant”.
   If you can say this really fast, you can run this country better then most current runners-for-the-presidency.

   4.) ~4200 new voter registrations since putting a link up on Facebook, thats 1 voter a minute. Maybe soon 53 percent in the great state of South Carolina go vote.

   3.) The other guys didn’t think that he was who they thought he was. They let him off the hook!

   2.) Vice President: John Stewart

   1.) He is funnier then W, and he does it on purposery.

   Thanks for the info on how to get in touch with the Dems of SC, I just wrote them an email to let them know why Colbert would make a better Prez then the last one!

5. Stephen Colbert for President 2008! Clinton Plays Dirty; Is Obama Anti-Colbert? Says:
   November 8th, 2007 at 4:30 am e[…] All I know is I’m going to continue to go through a carton of Americone Dream a day until the truthiness is revealed and this crisis is over. By which I mean, I hope I wake up soon. […]
6. DAVID J ANDREONI Says:
   November 8th, 2007 at 9:55 am eMR. COLBERTR YOU SIR:ARE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE ON TV. I CERTAINLY DO NOT TUNE YOU IN ON COMEDY CENTRAL. BY ACCIDENT I I SAW YOU ON MEET THE PRESS.AND ON THE FACTOR. YOU’RE NOT FUNNY, IN FACT WE FIND YOU OBNOXIOUS, AND POMPAS. YOU ARE A JOKE AND I AM NOT LAFFING. BE WELL, KEEP B SING THE PUBLIC.
7. Beezling Says:
   November 8th, 2007 at 10:05 am eMr. Andreoni;

   I’m not sure who this “Mr. Colbertr” is with whom you seem to have much beef. I would say you are in fact heavy with beef. And “We” find you obnoxious? Is that the royal we, or are you claiming to represent some form of a constituency? Those with beef say No to Colbert, apparently. And those without dictionaries or keyboards without sticky Caps Lock buttons. Personally, nation, I think we need a new term to describe the failure of an insultor to convey an insult to an insultee (in this case me) due to inherent flaws in grammar and spelling. Today’s word is “MISMEANING” It’s like a misspelling, except it goes so far as to cloud what you mean and generally start the fubar train rolling towards the what-the-hell-happened depot.
   If Stephen Colbert is POMPAS, it simply demonstrates his exceptional talents. I mean, I’ve never even heard the word pompas, let alone know that someone could BE it.
   Mr. Andreoni, I am not laffing either. In fact, no one is laffing or has ever laffed. I think only the pompas can laff. Such things are beyond us mere mortals.
   Finally, I don’t know what it means to B Sing the public. But I’m sure Stephen Colbert can and will do it. And he’ll do it with aplomb; he’ll do it with panache; he’ll do it with god-damn PRESIDENTIALITY!

   With great respect and humble gratitude to all posters, as intelligent minds can disagree,
   Alex Brant-Zawadzki
   StephenColbert08.com

The Colbert campaign has hit its first bump in the road.

Also, the campaign has been forced to deal with the abortion issue early on.

Simply put, the Democratic Party of South Carolina is attempting to abort the Colbert Campaign.

From MTV News:

So much for being South Carolina’s favorite son: Despite polling ahead of at least three of the candidates who’ve been stumping hard in South Carolina, Comedy Central faux conservative Stephen Colbert’s bid to get on the ballot for the upcoming Democratic primary in his home state was shot down on Thursday (November 1) by the executive committee of the South Carolina Democratic Party. Colbert’s bid was voted down 13-3.

The Doritos-sponsored campaign, which was announced last month, seemed to be on the road to legitimacy this week when Colbert’s campaign paid the $2,500 filing fee necessary to get into the race just before the noon deadline on Thursday, according to The Associated Press.

Less than two hours later, though, the executive committee of the state’s party denied Colbert’s bid when it voted not to certify the candidacy, according to Keiana Page, a communications assistant in the state Democratic Committee’s office. Using criteria such as whether the candidate was recognized in the national news media as a legitimate candidate and whether they’d actively campaigned in the state, the committee put the kibosh on the Colbert bid.

Ha! Laughable. Obviously this is a clever ploy to generate enough sympathy for Colbert to raise enough cold hard fundage (by which I mean cashalicious moolah-bucks) to run on the Republican ticket. Yes, we know Colbert will rise from this, not like a phoenix from the ashes but like a hybrid phoenix-eagle that somehow rises from the ashes of the corrupt American political system - a phoeagle, or an eanix.

Let’s go with phoeagle. Eanix sounds too much like a hick or a dong.

Of course we all know that now Colbert has no excuse not to just run nationally, double-negatives be damned. I mean, let’s be honest … all he has to do is snap his fingers. Hell, one finger. Colbert just has to snap his finger and we, his Nation, will rise to support him. Because at least he makes us smile.

All righty Colbertians (colh-BEAR-ee-uhns), Halloween is almost upon us. No doubt this weekend you were already beseiged by ghouls, goblins, and oh-so-clever kids dressed up as democratic lobbyists. As if it wasn’t creepy enough to be without our beloved Report for what was truly a dark, dark week. A week so dark … that it has inspired an evil, darkling Hallowe’en poem! A poem so evil, so terrifying that we could not in good conscience omit the apostrophe from between the two e’s, there to indicate the absent ‘v’ from the once-conjunctual ‘evening’, as in “All-Hallow Even”! If you don’t enjoy the poem, at least enjoy the holiday. I myself will be roaming the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda, desperate for a little piece of that liminal action - you know, the limited time when spirits can make contact with the mortal realm?

One Halloween night, my Colbertian posse,

I sat in my room with eyes bloodshot and glossy

On such an occasion I’ve nothing to fear

For I live Halloween every day of the year

Each day I see folk in the strangest of clothes

Assaulting the eyes and assaulting the nose

Burners and burnouts, hipster and hippie

I guess I ought not to be getting lippy

For freakiness is always the status quo

When you live in a city like San Francisco

But on this particular October’s day

I simply had no idea what I could say

For I had seen something so awful and grim

That chances of my forgetting it were slim

A lone trick-or-treater appeared at my door

With a countenance I have seen often before

It haunts me in sleep, tormenting me when awake,

The meanest thing my ‘magination could make

So what was this costume, all frightening and grossy?

None other than our Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“The horror … the horror.”

-Marlin Brando, Apocalypse Now

Any ideas on where the poem should go from here?
I CHALLENGE YOU, NATION, TO BUST A RHYME LIKE IT’S QUITTIN’ TIME

 

The time is now, Nation. Everything is in place. Stephen Colbert has announced his nomination. His image and name already grace countless signs, billboards and bumper-stickers (inaccurate though some have now become). His delicious ice cream, AmeriCone Dream, allows us not just to hear and watch but even taste the truthiness.

Stephen Colbert for President: Taste the Truthiness!

Stephen Colbert is donating his proceeds from the sale of AMERICONE DREAM to charity through The Stephen Colbert AmeriCone Dream Fund. The Fund will support charities of concern to Stephen such as food and medical assistance for disadvantaged children, helping veterans and their familes, and environmental causes. Said Colbert, “I will save the world.”

Long story short, the pawns are assembled. The Nation is ready. The world is in need. And it’s time to use that readiness.

We have several goals:

1) Pick a running mate. Suggestions, anyone?

2) Organize local grassroots support. Volunteers, anyone?

3) Work together to form the sturdiest, most ostentatious and impressive show of online support any candidate or political process in this nation or world has ever SEEN!

Colbert is running as a “favorite son” candidate. Ignoring the sexism inherent in the term, the definition includes the following:

In U.S. politics, nominating favorite sons was also used as a technique to send uncommitted delegations to a national convention of the Democratic or Republican Party. A popular or well-known governor or senator would be nominated, but was not a serious candidate. At some point during the convention, the favorite son would withdraw, freeing his delegates to support another candidate. The technique allowed senior leaders from the state to negotiate with candidates for preferential treatment.

Nation, we cannot allow such tomfoolery to occur. Just because some persnickety tradition states that favorite … child candidates give up his or her delegates. And who’s to say those delegates even have to go? I say South Carolinians should stick to Colbert like white on rice, no matter what he says. It’s the American thing to do. After all, our government is already based on truthiness - why not make it official?

Well folks. It happened. Stephen Colbert finally took the plunge. Last night he announced that he is running for President of the United States of America both as a Democrat and a Republican in his home state of South Carolina.

We did it!!!!!!!!!!!

All of our petitioning and polling paid off. Now get out there and vote for Stephen Colbert!