Stephen Colbert for President 2008!

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Here are some excerpts from the glorious past - the salad days, as it were. When Colbert was on “Meet The Press” with Tim Russert. It’s a long video but well worth the watch. Brilliance. The platinum standard of journalism and corres-punditry. Plus, Russert’s good too. 

You’ve thought this through. 

That’s a generous estimation, thank you.

Here’s one headline: “Electile Disfunction”; are they questioning, shall we say,  your stamina? 

I think a lot of people are asking, “Is this real?” To which I would say, this is not a dream. You’re not going to wake up from this. I’m far realer than Sam Brownback, let me put it that way.

 

Authenticity is important to the voter.

 

Absolutely. You’ve got to convey to them that you mean what you say and you’ve put some thought into what you do.

Many people in your family, and you used to be, COL-burt. You are now col-BEHR. I would be rus-SEHR. 

Ruh-SEHR, yeah.

In Sesame Street, there are two characters – Ernie and …? [pulls out a Bert doll]

Bert. Ernie and Bert.

B-E-R-T. 

Yeah.

So why aren’t you col-BURT? 

Are you saying that I don’t have the right to drop the T in my name? Are you saying that? Last time I checked this was America! Or does that not mean anything to you anymore?

 Then why not call him Behr? 

That’s his choice. You’ll have to ask him. I dare you. Ask him. Right now.

But why did you change your name? 

I changed my name because I knew there were people out there who needed T’s.

Not comfortable in your own skin? 

Oh, I’m extremely comfortable in my own skin. I’m uncomfortable in other people’s skin.

Why are you running only in South Carolina?

Because I believe that it’s the greatest state in the union. I believe I can make a difference there. I believe it’s time to focus on South Carolina. Florida tried to jump South Carolina’s primary date for both the Republicans and the Democrats. I want them to focus back on South Carolina; I want it to be a permanent thing. I don’t want Iowa and New Hampshire to be the only people in the United States to be able to control who is a bell-weather state. And if Iowa and New Hampshire don’t like that they can take some of that Iowa corn and stick it right up their Dicksville Notch.

Are you a son of South Carolina?

I am.

You know a lot about the state? 

I do.

What’s the state amphibian? 

My dog Cookie. She swims and she goes on land.

It’s the spotted salamander. 

That’s easy. What’s the state flower, sir?

Go ahead. 

The confederate jasmine, also known as the yellow jasmine.

Well done. What’s the state motto? 

Dum spiro spero – while I breathe I hope. COME ON! I thought you had better researchers. You can’t nail me with better things than this?

(followed by a lengthy discussion of Stephen Colbert’s book, I Am America (and So Can You!)) 

More highlights:

If gay men get married, it threatens my marriage immediately because I only got married as a taunt towards gay men because they couldn’t. I don’t know why else I got married other than to rub it in gay people’s faces.

 

• Why else run as a favorite son if you’re not going to broker a convention? And if I get a delegate, it will be a brokered convention. Unless they offer to let me speak there, in which case I will turn over my delegate.

• I think talking about ending the war in Iraq, or any war, sends the wrong message to our enemies. I will say this – I have a plan to get us out of Iran.

• Al Gore’s movie made money, therefore the market has spoken – Global Warming is real. I just don’t think we should do anything about it.

• The cornerstone of my campaign is pretty much peaches. South Carolina peaches. South Carolina first, South Carolina always.

Howdy. Mean Rachel here, reminding you that women are voters too (at least, when we’re not popping out babies and gold digging). I may be from Texas and I may be a woman but let me ask you this: How angry would you be if every vote you’d ever cast in your five year voting history held roughly the same weight as driving through McDonald’s and ordering a McRib (pun not intended but it did turn out quite nicely).

The rest of the union may be on strike, but I’m not and I see this as a key moment in history to take down David Letterman’s nightly Top Ten list. So here we go, without further adieuness:

The Top Ten Reasons South Carolina Doesn’t Deserve to Even Have the Same Initials as Stephen Colbert

10. There’s a North Carolina. Isn’t one Carolina enough?

9. It was the first state to secede from the Union and form the Confederacy. What a fuck-up that was.

8. SC (the State, not our Demigod) has a climate that is described as “humid subtropical.” Humid. Subtropical. In other words, your hair will never look good, John.

7. Speaking of which, we’ll add “Expensive haircuts” to the list. Four hundred dollars? It sure as hell better come with a happy ending or three scoops of Americone Dream.

6. South Carolina has no major professional team in the MLB, NBA, NFL or NHL. Now, I may be a chick but getting smashed and staring at athletic men is what we do here in Texas and I can’t imagine life without that.

5. South Cackalacky was home of the first public museum. That pretty much has ruined every school field trip and vacation I’ve ever been on, thanks.

4. Up until 2006, they required mixed bevvies to be made with minibottles instead of bartenders pouring from a handle of liquor. Apparently an average minibottle has 30% more volume than an average free-pour, so this resulted in a lot of drunk people. Wait, maybe this shouldn’t be on the list after all.

3. Andy Dick is from South Carolina. ‘Nuff said.

2. The South Carolina Democratic Party is a bunch of stick-in-the-mud drones.

And the number one reason South Carolina Doesn’t Deserve to Even Have the Same Initials as Stephen Colbert is…

::DRUMROLL::

1. I personally believe that US Americans aren’t ready for the, like, truthiness. Such as the Iraq. Truthineess. South Africans.

 

This morning I’ve decided to sort through a brief selection of random comments, just to let you know what sort of wonderful, creative and sometimes impotently furious commenters the site has managed to attract.

7 Responses to “The Truthiness Is Out There…”

1. Reggie p Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 7:41 am eSomeone publish names and phone numbers of sc committee. We must protest!
2. Reggie p Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 8:59 am eI called the committee (800 841-1817) (info@scdp.org)and they listened to me but they sort of blew me off. They better start taking Stephen seriously. Everyone should call and email to protest South Carolina’s discrimination against Stephen just because he happens to tell jokes. Every other politician tells a joke once in a while!
3. josh Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 9:55 am eDisagree with the SC Dems? Let them know what you think:

   http://www.colbertforsouthcarolina.com/

4. Peter I Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 9:36 pm eMy top 10 reasons for Stephen Colbert as President of South Carolina:

   10.) Really, do we need to have any reasons to vote for this guy?

   9.) The next time a comedian goes on TV and gets the guys from Crossfire fired it could be the Prez himself.

   8.) Nacho Cheese Doritos

   7.) Second best interviewer after John Stewart. Maybe this way the leader of the free world can actually hold a conversation with the rest of the leaders of the free world. Instead of just trying to look like they are having a good time together.

   6.) 1.200.000 Friends on Facebook

   5.) “I, Stephen Colbert, do hereby pledge to practice absinth-tinence by remaining absinth-tinent from Absinthe . . . Since Absinthe incidents in many instances induce incipient synesthetic inspiration and sinister synthetic insistence on sin, I sincerely insist I will be absent from instances of Absinthe ingestion, this instant”.
   If you can say this really fast, you can run this country better then most current runners-for-the-presidency.

   4.) ~4200 new voter registrations since putting a link up on Facebook, thats 1 voter a minute. Maybe soon 53 percent in the great state of South Carolina go vote.

   3.) The other guys didn’t think that he was who they thought he was. They let him off the hook!

   2.) Vice President: John Stewart

   1.) He is funnier then W, and he does it on purposery.

   Thanks for the info on how to get in touch with the Dems of SC, I just wrote them an email to let them know why Colbert would make a better Prez then the last one!

5. Stephen Colbert for President 2008! Clinton Plays Dirty; Is Obama Anti-Colbert? Says:
   November 8th, 2007 at 4:30 am e[…] All I know is I’m going to continue to go through a carton of Americone Dream a day until the truthiness is revealed and this crisis is over. By which I mean, I hope I wake up soon. […]
6. DAVID J ANDREONI Says:
   November 8th, 2007 at 9:55 am eMR. COLBERTR YOU SIR:ARE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE ON TV. I CERTAINLY DO NOT TUNE YOU IN ON COMEDY CENTRAL. BY ACCIDENT I I SAW YOU ON MEET THE PRESS.AND ON THE FACTOR. YOU’RE NOT FUNNY, IN FACT WE FIND YOU OBNOXIOUS, AND POMPAS. YOU ARE A JOKE AND I AM NOT LAFFING. BE WELL, KEEP B SING THE PUBLIC.
7. Beezling Says:
   November 8th, 2007 at 10:05 am eMr. Andreoni;

   I’m not sure who this “Mr. Colbertr” is with whom you seem to have much beef. I would say you are in fact heavy with beef. And “We” find you obnoxious? Is that the royal we, or are you claiming to represent some form of a constituency? Those with beef say No to Colbert, apparently. And those without dictionaries or keyboards without sticky Caps Lock buttons. Personally, nation, I think we need a new term to describe the failure of an insultor to convey an insult to an insultee (in this case me) due to inherent flaws in grammar and spelling. Today’s word is “MISMEANING” It’s like a misspelling, except it goes so far as to cloud what you mean and generally start the fubar train rolling towards the what-the-hell-happened depot.
   If Stephen Colbert is POMPAS, it simply demonstrates his exceptional talents. I mean, I’ve never even heard the word pompas, let alone know that someone could BE it.
   Mr. Andreoni, I am not laffing either. In fact, no one is laffing or has ever laffed. I think only the pompas can laff. Such things are beyond us mere mortals.
   Finally, I don’t know what it means to B Sing the public. But I’m sure Stephen Colbert can and will do it. And he’ll do it with aplomb; he’ll do it with panache; he’ll do it with god-damn PRESIDENTIALITY!

   With great respect and humble gratitude to all posters, as intelligent minds can disagree,
   Alex Brant-Zawadzki
   StephenColbert08.com

Colbert speaks to his Nation:

“Although I lost by the slimmest margin in presidential election history—only 10 votes—I have chosen not to put the country through another agonizing Supreme Court battle,” Colbert said Monday in a statement. “It is time for this nation to heal.”

Colbert had said he would run only in his native South Carolina, a key primary state. He said he planned to run as a Democrat and a Republican—so he could lose twice. Colbert, 43, later declined to file with the GOP, which has a much higher filing fee ($35,000) than the Democrats ($2,500).

“I want to say to my supporters, this is not over,” Colbert said. “While I may accept the decision of the Council, the fight goes on! The dream endures! … And I am going off the air until I can talk about this without weeping.”

Anyone else notice a creepy coincidence between Colbert’s loss of both his presidential campaign AND his platform? This writers’ strike seems eerily well-timed. We should see whether those South Carolina Democrats had anything to do with it.

We are currently soliciting any sightings of President Colbert in window frost, cheese mold or tear-stained Colbert ‘08 T-shirts.

From Brian and the Judge

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Hey folks,

Stephen Colbert needs ACTUAL signatures of ACTUAL registered South Carolina Voters in order to get on the Democratic Presidential Primary Ballot in South Carolina.

So he uploaded a pdf of the 2008 South Carolina Presidential Primary Petition to his site. If you’re in South Carolina and want to help Stephen get on the ballot, then simply download and print this form, then have 20 Registered South Carolina Voters Sign it, then mail it to:

P.O. Box 21597
Charleston, SC 29413-1597

Get to it, Colbertites!

Well folks. It happened. Stephen Colbert finally took the plunge. Last night he announced that he is running for President of the United States of America both as a Democrat and a Republican in his home state of South Carolina.

We did it!!!!!!!!!!!

All of our petitioning and polling paid off. Now get out there and vote for Stephen Colbert!

Well folks, a real (although admittedly not too mainstream) political party is seriously considering nominating Stephen as their candidate for president. The Party is Unity ‘08. They also have a poll going over there asking whether Stephen should run for president, and I’m happy to announce that as of this writing, the current percentage of “yes” votes is 84%!

It requires registration, but I seriously suggest that you go over there and vote “yes!”

Ladies and Gentlemen;

My name is Alex and I will be your blogger for the next seventeen months. We know you have your choice in shameless Colbert idolatry, and we appreciate your decision to worship with us.

As the election draws irrevocably, inevitably and incrementally nearer, our thoughts of course turn to Stephen Colbert’s chances of becoming President. Everybody wants to know what they can do to help, but most people are bored with the tired old cliches like campaign signs or commercials. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? That’s right … the horrible and probably painful manipulation of Stephen Colbert’s Genetic Code!
“Okay, Alex, put down the crazy pills,” you might say (and I won’t), “surely Colbert could win the Presidency based on his charm, wit, intellect and disarming dress sense!” Sure, he may be the blindingly obvious choice of the people, of both the common, the uncommon and the trans-common man, but Al Gore received the majority of the public’s votes and look what happened to HIM.

Um … he won an Oscar. Okay, bad example, but I digress.

The point is - wouldn’t it give Stephen that much more of an edge in any campaign if he harbored certain mutant, magical, alien and/or superhuman powers? Imagine the possibilities - he could perhaps soar through the skies with Stephen Jr., ensuring the little guy learns to stay the hell away from that Canadian border. Debates would be complete landslides - “My opponent’s stance in favor of Nancy Pelosi’s canonization makes me angry. And you don’t want to see me angry.” Or perhaps he would benefit from telepathic powers - not only could he answer his interview subjects’ questions himself on the show, eliminating the need for them to talk (or be paid as much), but he would instantly know the true intentions of devious foreign dignitaries. Like the Iranians. Or the French. Or Nancy Pelosi.

I think we get the idea, people. Stephen needs a shot of Super in the ass and he needs it quick. I don’t care what you have to do: irradiate a spider and slip it into the studio; accidentally replace one of the show cameras with a miscalibrated gamma-ray generator; “accidentally” misplace an ancient, mysterious Nordic hammer in his glove compartment; hell, graft a hitherto-undiscovered and nigh-indestructible metal to every inch of his skeletal structure for all I care. But in the name of all that is truthy, do something.

For lack of anything better to do, try submitting your creative conceptualizations of just what a superhero Colbert would look like to beezling@gmail.com and we might just consider re-posting the less awful submissions. Here’s something to inspire from our friends at MediaBistro:

http://www.comedycentral.com/motherload/index.jhtml?ml_video=63633

Well, Mike Huckabee said “Huckabee/Colbert, the winning ticket in 2008.” We agree with Stephen, it should be Colbert/Huckabee.

Edit: I had a lot more respect for Huckabee before I saw him raise his hand in response to the “Who Doesn’t Believe in Evolution?” question at the first Republican debate.