Stephen Colbert for President 2008!

[youtube 8JbBFNCRp1A nolink][youtube IIs2z2JNvNE nolink]

Here are some excerpts from the glorious past - the salad days, as it were. When Colbert was on “Meet The Press” with Tim Russert. It’s a long video but well worth the watch. Brilliance. The platinum standard of journalism and corres-punditry. Plus, Russert’s good too. 

You’ve thought this through. 

That’s a generous estimation, thank you.

Here’s one headline: “Electile Disfunction”; are they questioning, shall we say,  your stamina? 

I think a lot of people are asking, “Is this real?” To which I would say, this is not a dream. You’re not going to wake up from this. I’m far realer than Sam Brownback, let me put it that way.

 

Authenticity is important to the voter.

 

Absolutely. You’ve got to convey to them that you mean what you say and you’ve put some thought into what you do.

Many people in your family, and you used to be, COL-burt. You are now col-BEHR. I would be rus-SEHR. 

Ruh-SEHR, yeah.

In Sesame Street, there are two characters – Ernie and …? [pulls out a Bert doll]

Bert. Ernie and Bert.

B-E-R-T. 

Yeah.

So why aren’t you col-BURT? 

Are you saying that I don’t have the right to drop the T in my name? Are you saying that? Last time I checked this was America! Or does that not mean anything to you anymore?

 Then why not call him Behr? 

That’s his choice. You’ll have to ask him. I dare you. Ask him. Right now.

But why did you change your name? 

I changed my name because I knew there were people out there who needed T’s.

Not comfortable in your own skin? 

Oh, I’m extremely comfortable in my own skin. I’m uncomfortable in other people’s skin.

Why are you running only in South Carolina?

Because I believe that it’s the greatest state in the union. I believe I can make a difference there. I believe it’s time to focus on South Carolina. Florida tried to jump South Carolina’s primary date for both the Republicans and the Democrats. I want them to focus back on South Carolina; I want it to be a permanent thing. I don’t want Iowa and New Hampshire to be the only people in the United States to be able to control who is a bell-weather state. And if Iowa and New Hampshire don’t like that they can take some of that Iowa corn and stick it right up their Dicksville Notch.

Are you a son of South Carolina?

I am.

You know a lot about the state? 

I do.

What’s the state amphibian? 

My dog Cookie. She swims and she goes on land.

It’s the spotted salamander. 

That’s easy. What’s the state flower, sir?

Go ahead. 

The confederate jasmine, also known as the yellow jasmine.

Well done. What’s the state motto? 

Dum spiro spero – while I breathe I hope. COME ON! I thought you had better researchers. You can’t nail me with better things than this?

(followed by a lengthy discussion of Stephen Colbert’s book, I Am America (and So Can You!)) 

More highlights:

If gay men get married, it threatens my marriage immediately because I only got married as a taunt towards gay men because they couldn’t. I don’t know why else I got married other than to rub it in gay people’s faces.

 

• Why else run as a favorite son if you’re not going to broker a convention? And if I get a delegate, it will be a brokered convention. Unless they offer to let me speak there, in which case I will turn over my delegate.

• I think talking about ending the war in Iraq, or any war, sends the wrong message to our enemies. I will say this – I have a plan to get us out of Iran.

• Al Gore’s movie made money, therefore the market has spoken – Global Warming is real. I just don’t think we should do anything about it.

• The cornerstone of my campaign is pretty much peaches. South Carolina peaches. South Carolina first, South Carolina always.

Howdy. Mean Rachel here, reminding you that women are voters too (at least, when we’re not popping out babies and gold digging). I may be from Texas and I may be a woman but let me ask you this: How angry would you be if every vote you’d ever cast in your five year voting history held roughly the same weight as driving through McDonald’s and ordering a McRib (pun not intended but it did turn out quite nicely).

The rest of the union may be on strike, but I’m not and I see this as a key moment in history to take down David Letterman’s nightly Top Ten list. So here we go, without further adieuness:

The Top Ten Reasons South Carolina Doesn’t Deserve to Even Have the Same Initials as Stephen Colbert

10. There’s a North Carolina. Isn’t one Carolina enough?

9. It was the first state to secede from the Union and form the Confederacy. What a fuck-up that was.

8. SC (the State, not our Demigod) has a climate that is described as “humid subtropical.” Humid. Subtropical. In other words, your hair will never look good, John.

7. Speaking of which, we’ll add “Expensive haircuts” to the list. Four hundred dollars? It sure as hell better come with a happy ending or three scoops of Americone Dream.

6. South Carolina has no major professional team in the MLB, NBA, NFL or NHL. Now, I may be a chick but getting smashed and staring at athletic men is what we do here in Texas and I can’t imagine life without that.

5. South Cackalacky was home of the first public museum. That pretty much has ruined every school field trip and vacation I’ve ever been on, thanks.

4. Up until 2006, they required mixed bevvies to be made with minibottles instead of bartenders pouring from a handle of liquor. Apparently an average minibottle has 30% more volume than an average free-pour, so this resulted in a lot of drunk people. Wait, maybe this shouldn’t be on the list after all.

3. Andy Dick is from South Carolina. ‘Nuff said.

2. The South Carolina Democratic Party is a bunch of stick-in-the-mud drones.

And the number one reason South Carolina Doesn’t Deserve to Even Have the Same Initials as Stephen Colbert is…

::DRUMROLL::

1. I personally believe that US Americans aren’t ready for the, like, truthiness. Such as the Iraq. Truthineess. South Africans.

 

This morning I’ve decided to sort through a brief selection of random comments, just to let you know what sort of wonderful, creative and sometimes impotently furious commenters the site has managed to attract.

7 Responses to “The Truthiness Is Out There…”

1. Reggie p Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 7:41 am eSomeone publish names and phone numbers of sc committee. We must protest!
2. Reggie p Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 8:59 am eI called the committee (800 841-1817) (info@scdp.org)and they listened to me but they sort of blew me off. They better start taking Stephen seriously. Everyone should call and email to protest South Carolina’s discrimination against Stephen just because he happens to tell jokes. Every other politician tells a joke once in a while!
3. josh Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 9:55 am eDisagree with the SC Dems? Let them know what you think:

   http://www.colbertforsouthcarolina.com/

4. Peter I Says:
   November 5th, 2007 at 9:36 pm eMy top 10 reasons for Stephen Colbert as President of South Carolina:

   10.) Really, do we need to have any reasons to vote for this guy?

   9.) The next time a comedian goes on TV and gets the guys from Crossfire fired it could be the Prez himself.

   8.) Nacho Cheese Doritos

   7.) Second best interviewer after John Stewart. Maybe this way the leader of the free world can actually hold a conversation with the rest of the leaders of the free world. Instead of just trying to look like they are having a good time together.

   6.) 1.200.000 Friends on Facebook

   5.) “I, Stephen Colbert, do hereby pledge to practice absinth-tinence by remaining absinth-tinent from Absinthe . . . Since Absinthe incidents in many instances induce incipient synesthetic inspiration and sinister synthetic insistence on sin, I sincerely insist I will be absent from instances of Absinthe ingestion, this instant”.
   If you can say this really fast, you can run this country better then most current runners-for-the-presidency.

   4.) ~4200 new voter registrations since putting a link up on Facebook, thats 1 voter a minute. Maybe soon 53 percent in the great state of South Carolina go vote.

   3.) The other guys didn’t think that he was who they thought he was. They let him off the hook!

   2.) Vice President: John Stewart

   1.) He is funnier then W, and he does it on purposery.

   Thanks for the info on how to get in touch with the Dems of SC, I just wrote them an email to let them know why Colbert would make a better Prez then the last one!

5. Stephen Colbert for President 2008! Clinton Plays Dirty; Is Obama Anti-Colbert? Says:
   November 8th, 2007 at 4:30 am e[…] All I know is I’m going to continue to go through a carton of Americone Dream a day until the truthiness is revealed and this crisis is over. By which I mean, I hope I wake up soon. […]
6. DAVID J ANDREONI Says:
   November 8th, 2007 at 9:55 am eMR. COLBERTR YOU SIR:ARE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE ON TV. I CERTAINLY DO NOT TUNE YOU IN ON COMEDY CENTRAL. BY ACCIDENT I I SAW YOU ON MEET THE PRESS.AND ON THE FACTOR. YOU’RE NOT FUNNY, IN FACT WE FIND YOU OBNOXIOUS, AND POMPAS. YOU ARE A JOKE AND I AM NOT LAFFING. BE WELL, KEEP B SING THE PUBLIC.
7. Beezling Says:
   November 8th, 2007 at 10:05 am eMr. Andreoni;

   I’m not sure who this “Mr. Colbertr” is with whom you seem to have much beef. I would say you are in fact heavy with beef. And “We” find you obnoxious? Is that the royal we, or are you claiming to represent some form of a constituency? Those with beef say No to Colbert, apparently. And those without dictionaries or keyboards without sticky Caps Lock buttons. Personally, nation, I think we need a new term to describe the failure of an insultor to convey an insult to an insultee (in this case me) due to inherent flaws in grammar and spelling. Today’s word is “MISMEANING” It’s like a misspelling, except it goes so far as to cloud what you mean and generally start the fubar train rolling towards the what-the-hell-happened depot.
   If Stephen Colbert is POMPAS, it simply demonstrates his exceptional talents. I mean, I’ve never even heard the word pompas, let alone know that someone could BE it.
   Mr. Andreoni, I am not laffing either. In fact, no one is laffing or has ever laffed. I think only the pompas can laff. Such things are beyond us mere mortals.
   Finally, I don’t know what it means to B Sing the public. But I’m sure Stephen Colbert can and will do it. And he’ll do it with aplomb; he’ll do it with panache; he’ll do it with god-damn PRESIDENTIALITY!

   With great respect and humble gratitude to all posters, as intelligent minds can disagree,
   Alex Brant-Zawadzki
   StephenColbert08.com

The Colbert campaign has hit its first bump in the road.

Also, the campaign has been forced to deal with the abortion issue early on.

Simply put, the Democratic Party of South Carolina is attempting to abort the Colbert Campaign.

From MTV News:

So much for being South Carolina’s favorite son: Despite polling ahead of at least three of the candidates who’ve been stumping hard in South Carolina, Comedy Central faux conservative Stephen Colbert’s bid to get on the ballot for the upcoming Democratic primary in his home state was shot down on Thursday (November 1) by the executive committee of the South Carolina Democratic Party. Colbert’s bid was voted down 13-3.

The Doritos-sponsored campaign, which was announced last month, seemed to be on the road to legitimacy this week when Colbert’s campaign paid the $2,500 filing fee necessary to get into the race just before the noon deadline on Thursday, according to The Associated Press.

Less than two hours later, though, the executive committee of the state’s party denied Colbert’s bid when it voted not to certify the candidacy, according to Keiana Page, a communications assistant in the state Democratic Committee’s office. Using criteria such as whether the candidate was recognized in the national news media as a legitimate candidate and whether they’d actively campaigned in the state, the committee put the kibosh on the Colbert bid.

Ha! Laughable. Obviously this is a clever ploy to generate enough sympathy for Colbert to raise enough cold hard fundage (by which I mean cashalicious moolah-bucks) to run on the Republican ticket. Yes, we know Colbert will rise from this, not like a phoenix from the ashes but like a hybrid phoenix-eagle that somehow rises from the ashes of the corrupt American political system - a phoeagle, or an eanix.

Let’s go with phoeagle. Eanix sounds too much like a hick or a dong.

Of course we all know that now Colbert has no excuse not to just run nationally, double-negatives be damned. I mean, let’s be honest … all he has to do is snap his fingers. Hell, one finger. Colbert just has to snap his finger and we, his Nation, will rise to support him. Because at least he makes us smile.