Stephen Colbert for President 2008!

No, unfortunately we’re not any closer to the presidency at the moment.

But, on January 7th, we will start seeing new episodes of The Colbert Report as well as The Daily Show beforehand!

And yesterday, Stephen was awarded the Associated Press’ Celebrity of the Year honor for 2007. This is awarded to the celebrity who is supposed to have had the biggest impact on popular culture during that year.

Congrats on the honor, Stephen. And we can’t wait to see you again on January 7th!

Howdy. Mean Rachel here, reminding you that women are voters too (at least, when we’re not popping out babies and gold digging). I may be from Texas and I may be a woman but let me ask you this: How angry would you be if every vote you’d ever cast in your five year voting history held roughly the same weight as driving through McDonald’s and ordering a McRib (pun not intended but it did turn out quite nicely).

The rest of the union may be on strike, but I’m not and I see this as a key moment in history to take down David Letterman’s nightly Top Ten list. So here we go, without further adieuness:

The Top Ten Reasons South Carolina Doesn’t Deserve to Even Have the Same Initials as Stephen Colbert

10. There’s a North Carolina. Isn’t one Carolina enough?

9. It was the first state to secede from the Union and form the Confederacy. What a fuck-up that was.

8. SC (the State, not our Demigod) has a climate that is described as “humid subtropical.” Humid. Subtropical. In other words, your hair will never look good, John.

7. Speaking of which, we’ll add “Expensive haircuts” to the list. Four hundred dollars? It sure as hell better come with a happy ending or three scoops of Americone Dream.

6. South Carolina has no major professional team in the MLB, NBA, NFL or NHL. Now, I may be a chick but getting smashed and staring at athletic men is what we do here in Texas and I can’t imagine life without that.

5. South Cackalacky was home of the first public museum. That pretty much has ruined every school field trip and vacation I’ve ever been on, thanks.

4. Up until 2006, they required mixed bevvies to be made with minibottles instead of bartenders pouring from a handle of liquor. Apparently an average minibottle has 30% more volume than an average free-pour, so this resulted in a lot of drunk people. Wait, maybe this shouldn’t be on the list after all.

3. Andy Dick is from South Carolina. ‘Nuff said.

2. The South Carolina Democratic Party is a bunch of stick-in-the-mud drones.

And the number one reason South Carolina Doesn’t Deserve to Even Have the Same Initials as Stephen Colbert is…

::DRUMROLL::

1. I personally believe that US Americans aren’t ready for the, like, truthiness. Such as the Iraq. Truthineess. South Africans.

Colbert speaks to his Nation:

“Although I lost by the slimmest margin in presidential election history—only 10 votes—I have chosen not to put the country through another agonizing Supreme Court battle,” Colbert said Monday in a statement. “It is time for this nation to heal.”

Colbert had said he would run only in his native South Carolina, a key primary state. He said he planned to run as a Democrat and a Republican—so he could lose twice. Colbert, 43, later declined to file with the GOP, which has a much higher filing fee ($35,000) than the Democrats ($2,500).

“I want to say to my supporters, this is not over,” Colbert said. “While I may accept the decision of the Council, the fight goes on! The dream endures! … And I am going off the air until I can talk about this without weeping.”

Anyone else notice a creepy coincidence between Colbert’s loss of both his presidential campaign AND his platform? This writers’ strike seems eerily well-timed. We should see whether those South Carolina Democrats had anything to do with it.

We are currently soliciting any sightings of President Colbert in window frost, cheese mold or tear-stained Colbert ‘08 T-shirts.

From Brian and the Judge

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