Stephen Colbert for President 2008!

There has been muy muy speculation recently that South Carolina Democrats’ decision to keep Colbert off the Democratic ballot was somewhat influenced by the demands of certain high-profile Barack Obama supporters. The LA Times lays the story out with a bit more context than one is used to reading in campaign coverage, causing us to overlook the paper’s status as a liberal fishwrap from a should-be-annexed state of total disregard for the American way. Anyway:

Well, during the last day or so behind the scenes, the Clinton folks, who play hardball, have been shopping around to some writers (not this one) a story idea that a couple of prominent Obama supporters had lobbied the South Carolina Democratic Party’s executive council last week to keep Stephen Colbert off the state’s primary ballot, which they succeeded in doing.

When you think about it, that’s probably a good idea. Colbert, a funny fellow who plays a political talk show host on his Comedy Central show, got Doritos to sponsor his candidacy and claimed to be showing the fundamental hypocrisy of the political system by trying to run in both parties’ primaries.

He’s good for a laugh, and normally serious Tim Russert even had him on the normally respectable “Meet the Press,” for a faux serious candidate interview. The “truthiness,” as usual these days, is that Colbert’s “campaign” provided priceless free publicity for his TV program and new book.

And here we are, Nation, with no one to blame but the political process itself. Did Obama’s people actually push to keep Stephen off the ballot? Did Hillary’s people spin harmless political canvassing into a desperate plot to destabilize Obama’s support among one of his target demographics: The Colbert Nation (provided Stephen is not on the ballot and orders us not to include him as a write-in for staggeringly noble purposes)? Is it wrong to insert elaborate parentheticals into absurd hypotheticals in any context? These are questions for the ages, my friends. By which I mean I have no earthly idea.

All I know is I’m going to continue to go through a carton of Americone Dream a day until the truthiness is revealed and this crisis is over. By which I mean, I hope I wake up soon.

Colbert speaks to his Nation:

“Although I lost by the slimmest margin in presidential election history—only 10 votes—I have chosen not to put the country through another agonizing Supreme Court battle,” Colbert said Monday in a statement. “It is time for this nation to heal.”

Colbert had said he would run only in his native South Carolina, a key primary state. He said he planned to run as a Democrat and a Republican—so he could lose twice. Colbert, 43, later declined to file with the GOP, which has a much higher filing fee ($35,000) than the Democrats ($2,500).

“I want to say to my supporters, this is not over,” Colbert said. “While I may accept the decision of the Council, the fight goes on! The dream endures! … And I am going off the air until I can talk about this without weeping.”

Anyone else notice a creepy coincidence between Colbert’s loss of both his presidential campaign AND his platform? This writers’ strike seems eerily well-timed. We should see whether those South Carolina Democrats had anything to do with it.

We are currently soliciting any sightings of President Colbert in window frost, cheese mold or tear-stained Colbert ‘08 T-shirts.

From Brian and the Judge

[youtube t5cZ8aOC27E nolink]

Nation, I have finally solved the riddle of how a benevolent and white God could possibly allow the candidacy of Stephen Colbert, would-be favorite son of South Carolina (and potentially favored god-child of, naturally, God), to be so viciously pre-empted by things as simple as $35,000 and the contempt of Democrats.

The answer, so blindingly simple I can’t believe it’s escaped me for so long, is this: Stephen Colbert’s candidacy has NOT ended. No, in fact, it continues. You, however, are either having a nightmare or in a coma having a nightmare, or possibly having a nightmare about being in a coma and having a nightmare in which your life continues on as normal since you went to sleep/became comatized sometime last week. Your mind is now constructing a hellish dystopic future that would make H.R. Giger blush. Stephen Colbert’s apparent lack of a candidacy is merely the first fanciful step of the imagination down a path that will eventually take us somewhere between Mad Max and Bladerunner, maybe with some Postman thrown into the grinder.

By which I mean, if you own a tape or DVD of Kevin Costner’s The Postman … throw it into a grinder. Any will do. Coffee grinder, herb grinder … I believe a garbage disposal qualifies as a grinding device. Use a garbage growler just to be safe. Growler sounds way more like grinder than ‘disposal’ does anyway.

The brave folk over at OC Weekly have hijacked our truthiness for their own purposes. But they are noble purposes.

Though this is not necessarily campaign-related, its news significance is staggering enough, and the truthiness emphasized enough, to warrant a reference.

We need something to cheer us up after the South Carolina Snub.

 

 

Truthiness About Carona Revealed!

Posted by Gustavo Arellano in Carona Watch 2007, Main, Naranja News

November 2, 2007 11:36 AM

Permalink | Comments (3)

Turns out our Scott Moxley had everything wrong about Sheriff Carona, according to the DC-based news source Prime Legitimate News. The pictures between Carona and Las Vegas mobster Rick Rizzolo? Carona “went undercover as a corrupt cop” in “an undercover police uniform pretending to party, accept large cash contributions, even going so far as to sample strippers in Rizzolo’s presence to make the criminals believe that he would be the kind of man who might throw his Christian values out the door in exchange for sex and cash.” Carona allowing a felon to film inside off-limits Homeland Security facilities? According to PLN, “The whole anti-terror exercise was a FAKE! Carona organized the entire phony exercise so that the Saudis would THINK they knew how America does anti-terror, but they really had no clue at all.”

“By reporting the story,” PLN concludes, “the OC Weekly blew Carona’s cover just like Joe Wilson blew his wife’s cover as a CIA agent when he started criticizing the War On Terror.” Read more of PLN’s shocking truthiness here.

 

The Colbert campaign has hit its first bump in the road.

Also, the campaign has been forced to deal with the abortion issue early on.

Simply put, the Democratic Party of South Carolina is attempting to abort the Colbert Campaign.

From MTV News:

So much for being South Carolina’s favorite son: Despite polling ahead of at least three of the candidates who’ve been stumping hard in South Carolina, Comedy Central faux conservative Stephen Colbert’s bid to get on the ballot for the upcoming Democratic primary in his home state was shot down on Thursday (November 1) by the executive committee of the South Carolina Democratic Party. Colbert’s bid was voted down 13-3.

The Doritos-sponsored campaign, which was announced last month, seemed to be on the road to legitimacy this week when Colbert’s campaign paid the $2,500 filing fee necessary to get into the race just before the noon deadline on Thursday, according to The Associated Press.

Less than two hours later, though, the executive committee of the state’s party denied Colbert’s bid when it voted not to certify the candidacy, according to Keiana Page, a communications assistant in the state Democratic Committee’s office. Using criteria such as whether the candidate was recognized in the national news media as a legitimate candidate and whether they’d actively campaigned in the state, the committee put the kibosh on the Colbert bid.

Ha! Laughable. Obviously this is a clever ploy to generate enough sympathy for Colbert to raise enough cold hard fundage (by which I mean cashalicious moolah-bucks) to run on the Republican ticket. Yes, we know Colbert will rise from this, not like a phoenix from the ashes but like a hybrid phoenix-eagle that somehow rises from the ashes of the corrupt American political system - a phoeagle, or an eanix.

Let’s go with phoeagle. Eanix sounds too much like a hick or a dong.

Of course we all know that now Colbert has no excuse not to just run nationally, double-negatives be damned. I mean, let’s be honest … all he has to do is snap his fingers. Hell, one finger. Colbert just has to snap his finger and we, his Nation, will rise to support him. Because at least he makes us smile.

All righty Colbertians (colh-BEAR-ee-uhns), Halloween is almost upon us. No doubt this weekend you were already beseiged by ghouls, goblins, and oh-so-clever kids dressed up as democratic lobbyists. As if it wasn’t creepy enough to be without our beloved Report for what was truly a dark, dark week. A week so dark … that it has inspired an evil, darkling Hallowe’en poem! A poem so evil, so terrifying that we could not in good conscience omit the apostrophe from between the two e’s, there to indicate the absent ‘v’ from the once-conjunctual ‘evening’, as in “All-Hallow Even”! If you don’t enjoy the poem, at least enjoy the holiday. I myself will be roaming the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda, desperate for a little piece of that liminal action - you know, the limited time when spirits can make contact with the mortal realm?

One Halloween night, my Colbertian posse,

I sat in my room with eyes bloodshot and glossy

On such an occasion I’ve nothing to fear

For I live Halloween every day of the year

Each day I see folk in the strangest of clothes

Assaulting the eyes and assaulting the nose

Burners and burnouts, hipster and hippie

I guess I ought not to be getting lippy

For freakiness is always the status quo

When you live in a city like San Francisco

But on this particular October’s day

I simply had no idea what I could say

For I had seen something so awful and grim

That chances of my forgetting it were slim

A lone trick-or-treater appeared at my door

With a countenance I have seen often before

It haunts me in sleep, tormenting me when awake,

The meanest thing my ‘magination could make

So what was this costume, all frightening and grossy?

None other than our Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“The horror … the horror.”

-Marlin Brando, Apocalypse Now

Any ideas on where the poem should go from here?
I CHALLENGE YOU, NATION, TO BUST A RHYME LIKE IT’S QUITTIN’ TIME

 

The time is now, Nation. Everything is in place. Stephen Colbert has announced his nomination. His image and name already grace countless signs, billboards and bumper-stickers (inaccurate though some have now become). His delicious ice cream, AmeriCone Dream, allows us not just to hear and watch but even taste the truthiness.

Stephen Colbert for President: Taste the Truthiness!

Stephen Colbert is donating his proceeds from the sale of AMERICONE DREAM to charity through The Stephen Colbert AmeriCone Dream Fund. The Fund will support charities of concern to Stephen such as food and medical assistance for disadvantaged children, helping veterans and their familes, and environmental causes. Said Colbert, “I will save the world.”

Long story short, the pawns are assembled. The Nation is ready. The world is in need. And it’s time to use that readiness.

We have several goals:

1) Pick a running mate. Suggestions, anyone?

2) Organize local grassroots support. Volunteers, anyone?

3) Work together to form the sturdiest, most ostentatious and impressive show of online support any candidate or political process in this nation or world has ever SEEN!

Colbert is running as a “favorite son” candidate. Ignoring the sexism inherent in the term, the definition includes the following:

In U.S. politics, nominating favorite sons was also used as a technique to send uncommitted delegations to a national convention of the Democratic or Republican Party. A popular or well-known governor or senator would be nominated, but was not a serious candidate. At some point during the convention, the favorite son would withdraw, freeing his delegates to support another candidate. The technique allowed senior leaders from the state to negotiate with candidates for preferential treatment.

Nation, we cannot allow such tomfoolery to occur. Just because some persnickety tradition states that favorite … child candidates give up his or her delegates. And who’s to say those delegates even have to go? I say South Carolinians should stick to Colbert like white on rice, no matter what he says. It’s the American thing to do. After all, our government is already based on truthiness - why not make it official?

Hey folks,

Stephen Colbert needs ACTUAL signatures of ACTUAL registered South Carolina Voters in order to get on the Democratic Presidential Primary Ballot in South Carolina.

So he uploaded a pdf of the 2008 South Carolina Presidential Primary Petition to his site. If you’re in South Carolina and want to help Stephen get on the ballot, then simply download and print this form, then have 20 Registered South Carolina Voters Sign it, then mail it to:

P.O. Box 21597
Charleston, SC 29413-1597

Get to it, Colbertites!

Well folks. It happened. Stephen Colbert finally took the plunge. Last night he announced that he is running for President of the United States of America both as a Democrat and a Republican in his home state of South Carolina.

We did it!!!!!!!!!!!

All of our petitioning and polling paid off. Now get out there and vote for Stephen Colbert!

Talk about a president with balls - the balls to take on a billionaire balloonist!

Rumor has it that Stephen Colbert, Thruthiness-Advocate General and Raconteur-Savant Extraordinaire, recently took on Richard Branson of Virgin fame in a no-holds-barred hydraulic exchange of savagery. After allegedly failing to plug Branson’s new low-cost airline, a newspaper said that a website said that the eccentric tycoon emptied his water glass on Colbert.

“Steven [sic] was DRENCHED,” the unnamed snitch dished to New York media Web site FishbowlNY. “He took a beat, then signaled for his own ammunition for about 20 seconds until Alison (Silverman) ran and gave him her bottle of water, and Stephen retaliated.”

We need a president who is prepared to fight fire with fire, where appropriate; more imporantly, we need a president who knows when you need to fight water with water.

Most importantly, Colbert’s ability to resist the dissociative power of water (one of nature’s most powerful solvents) demonstrates a hiterto-undiscussed reason to vote for, nay, DEMAND Stephen Colbert for President in 2008:

Stephen Colbert is not a witch.

If he were a witch, then upon contact with water Colbert would have undergone aggressive dessication, most likely accompanied by a raspy whisper along the lines of, “What a world,” or “Tell Steagle Colbeagle I love him provided he never turns gay.”

Vote Stephen Colbert in 2008: Not Directly Supporting the Occult.